Last Days with David, by Cara Cruickshank

Ananda asked me to share my own experience of those last few days with David.

This trip from Seattle has been a true pilgrimge, and one long prayer. After I got the strong call to come help David & Ananda, friend Pamela heroically drove us down. Ananda asked us to prepare ourselves, as David was even more sensitive to people’s energy. So, an opportunity to do the homework from Sensei (as I call David), who often said ‘slow down Cara.’ Ron warned me that David can sometimes reflect people, if their energy was off. So another lesson in releasing my concern, fear, and sadness to focus on giving my love and healing to this amazing man who has meant so much to me; to hold David in the light of who his soul really is, not just what his current body was going through.

Pamela and I arrived Monday morning to a tired Dani and Ron, who had gone through a very tough night with David. Our timing was perfect, as they'd been helping Ananda all week. We centered ourselves again and I sat down at the end of his bed. Thankfully, he did allow me, yet another visitor among many, to gently rub love into his swollen feet and calves. I was so relieved, and happy that we’d done our pilgrimage in such an intentional way, because it helped me feel like I was just a vessel for soothing Davids’ pain a little bit. We didn’t speak, because talking was so difficult for him, and because of the potency of that deep silence he’s talked about. He was coughing so much, and working through that pain, so we just had these long eye gazes, and I struggled at first, with wanting to say so many things to him. It was clear that I needed to simply stay quiet, and let my hands convey the feelings of gratitude, love, and healing prayers. As so many others have done, I figured that this touch might be my main task in being of service to Sensei. And what a relief to finally be able to give something tangible to him! I had longed for this for a year. Though he looked much older, his spirit is so ageless, alive, and forceful! Eyes are the windows to our souls, and his were still so piercing, clear, and strong when he looked at people.

Sure enough, my second massage Monday night, David sensed my energy and asked me to slow down. So I did more breathing, calming, so I could just channel soothing relief. This piece was all I could do, but I had a wish that I could do more to alleviate his suffering! Maybe I could help heal him! Some part of me wanted to rescue him, somehow. There must be a way? Could I get my brother in-law to fly David to Brazil this week? But he was in no shape to travel anywhere, so I had to let that go of my own attachment to just ask for his healing, without knowing what the outcome would be; staying alive, or dying. It was incredibly humbling, because there was absolutely no other place in the world that I wanted to be, but at David’s feet. ‘So this is devotion’, I heard a voice in my head say. I’ve never felt that way before, but it was all that I was here for, all I wanted to do, and I felt it was another gift from David, who has somehow still given and given to us throughout his painful cancer process. Thankfully, our Monday was a good day for him, and for us. We felt needed. Pamela organized meds and charts; I cleaned and massaged. Ananda, along with Kyle, Devin, and Iben the comic relief cat, everybody there was filled with love for each other and for David, so it felt very sweet.

Tuesday morning I brought David Ananda’s incredible smoothie, and he took three tubes. But he was clearly in way more pain then he was the day before. It was the morning of a long distance psychic ‘surgery’ from the healers in Brazil. Ananda came to the bed too, while Pamela sat in the chair. The 3 of us focused on this blessing from afar, but David seemed distracted. I asked if he wanted touch during the distance healing, and he did. So I began my task of massaging his feet, Ananda read to him from a John of God book, and Pamela meditated and channeled a story for David that she later told to him. We three woman totally focused on supporting the Brazilians work, but David was distracted, and seemed barely present for this special healing that had been planned for weeks. We all noticed this, but obviously didn’t know what to say!? We just kept the energy going until he had to get up again. The women left, but David motioned me to stay. He was sending that last email, then seemed so uncomfortable that he just paced around the room.

I didn’t know what to do with myself, except to stay focused and calm, tell my ego to please shut up, and to send him love. When I held out a hand to steady him, he waved it off. So I just quietly knelt on the floor, until that voice whispered again; ‘So this is devotion’. I just knelt there, for I don’t know how long. I wanted to cry, I felt so helpless, but I took deep breaths, feeling gratitude, and so honored to just be there with him; our friend, our Teacher, a wise Metaphysician, and a true Seer. He finally crept back to bed, and I asked if he wanted more touch. He just nodded. Rubbing his feet one more time, I just kept internally thanking him, and praying for his healing. A miracle could still happen! I held both possibilities equally, which was weird, but I was seeing both as possible realities. He was coughing so much, and eating through a stomach tube, but still fighting to stay alive, so I felt like I should support that possibility more. Selfishly too, I wanted him to stick around, like maybe most of us did. One night back in June I went to the woods to pray and cry, begging the universe not to take him so young, when he had Ananda, and so much still to give. But seeing him now, in July, here I was just asking for his healing, because who are we to ask for more than that? I stopped rubbing because he was engaged in emailing and needed to get changed and ready for the doctors’ appointment. Pamela and I said our goodbyes, and off they went.

We focused on working through another lesson from David about maintaining trust in the Universe at all times. I had to surrender to this thing that was happening back on Bainbridge, and Pamela made me shout it out loud, “I surrender!”

Around 1:30 pm we saw lightening and it thundered, the clouds opened up and poured rain for several minutes. We didn’t have a clue yet about David, but the heavens were crying. At 4:30 Ananda called to tell us the shocking news that David had left his body at the doctor's office. O MY GOD he did it! Tears of disbelief, sadness and relief flooded us both. I just kept thinking that he’s free now, he’s FINALLY FREE!

In minutes we were at the mortuary, waiting for Ananda so that we could sit with David one last time. It felt surreal. The place reminded Pamela of a show called 6 Feet Under, so we had a hushed and nervous fit of giggling, which then of course changed quickly back to tears. What was David doing here? He should be on the earth, on a mountain somewhere! Finally Ananda got there after being with David for 3 whole hours. With amazing grace, she, and only she, the sweet nurturing midwife, helped him let go as no one else could have. So we three sat around David for the 2^nd time that day. But this time, he wasn’t really there. It was so clear and obvious that his body was just a fragile and empty shell! I was amazed and in awe at how clear it felt that he was finally out of that tortured body.

What a gift he gave us that night. We held the yin and the yang; sadness at the loss of such an incredibly gifted human being, and then happiness that he was free. I went to my place at his feet, Ananada at his head, Pamela at his side. My hands automatically began their job of rubbing his feet, until I remembered that he wasn’t in there anymore, so I just held his feet. ‘So this is devotion’….Quieting my emotional heart, I got an image of David walking down an aisle lined on both sides with a low line of fire, with a whole bunch of beings on both sides of him. It was kind of like a bride walking down the aisle towards people waiting at the alter! These shadowy figures felt like leaders & powerful beings , but I couldn’t really see them. I just saw David walking through and towards them, with fire on both sides of that aisle.

We had the staff turn down the overhead music and sung Hallelujah, chanted Om Nama Shivia. It was so very painful to imagine that there would be no more retreats singing like this, with David strumming his guitar. So again, there was a duality of feeling relief for him and sadness to lose him at the same time. Later, Kyle and Devin arrived, so we gave our chairs to these young men could be with the man that has touched their lives so deeply, and so powerfully. I wish we had a picture of that moment; Devin at his head, Kyle at his feet. It looked and felt ancient. You could feel the strength of their love; it was so sweet, and so beautiful, and so strong. It made us cry some more, from the beauty as well as the grief.

Tears and sadness came and went. We switched places again, and I was at his head, Ananda at his side. This time as I held his head, I quieted down and I got a visual of seeing David’s spirit slipping out of his shell at the hospital. Only I was somehow feeling it too. I think he might have been giving me a taste of what it feels like to leave your body! OMYGOD it felt like slipping out of a very heavy suit of armor! I felt how heavy and dense my body is, and then I felt/saw myself sliding up and out from under that weight and then felt this amazing lightness, but more than lightness; it felt almost like floating, free to move in any direction! It felt SO GOOD! And then it was over, and I was heavy Me again, holding the head of my only Sensei…but it was one more thing that’s made me NOT SCARED of dying anymore!

Running into 2 cougars after a retreat with David on Mt. Rainier was the first thing that helped me get over my fear of death, and now David’s passing has obliterated the residual worries! I thank you one thousand times David. I finally burned some Utah sage all around David. We’d placed a few flowers on his chest, and the guys had also brought wildflowers and a huge feather they placed upon David too. We thought we felt David nearby a few times, but he didn’t seem to be hanging around his body too much. Ananda sweetly led us in a few more chants. The whole evening was one of the most amazing experiences that I’ve ever had. What an honor to be there, and what a gift it all was.

As it got closer to 8 pm I started to get peeved that we couldn’t stay with David all night. Ananda and I talked about how in other cultures, you sit for 3 days with a body. We only wanted a whole night! So I joked I knew just what I had to do; I'd hide in the alcove, and after they closed, I'd open the door so that we could carry David’s body, put him down somewhere on the earth! This made us laugh, but we still wished we could do it! This place was so NOT David…..but then again, HE really wasn’t there. Ananda pointed out that maybe WE needed to be on the ground! So we sat out in the side yard, under huge beautiful trees, lay on mother Gaia and let her hold us for a while, which felt so important for our grieving souls. We sang a bit more, and then Ananda looked longingly at the stained glass window and said, “David is right on the other side of that window!” We let the idea of stealing his body go with a little more tired healing laughter, and reluctantly pulled ourselves away from that building where on one level, David was lying alone. On another level, he really wasn’t! I imagined all those beings in that stone temple, plus his father and his mother welcoming him over, and it felt sweet to see David as a son, returning to their arms. He was free, and probably starting to enjoy it! I know that he’ll be doing amazing work from the other side. Clearly, they need him there.

Now, Sunday, I’m up at 9,500 ft. in Silverton, falling in love with this sweet town cradled by the 11,000 ft high mountains! This wonderful community of people love David & Ananda so much; they cleaned the house, removed medical stuff, filled it with flowers, food, and much love! I am so blessed and grateful to be here. Tonight we will chant in circle at the same time as you who all are doing around the country in Ashland, Princeton, Washington, and Boulder. His wisdom needs to continue through us now. Blessings to you, and I hope on Aug.30th that we’ll be chanting together in Yosemite as we honor sweet David in the mountains that he loved.

Women Holding Me, DAY 2

July 23, 2009 Durango CO

Pictured: Becky, Cheryl, me, Lexi, Kelly, Karen

This was "day two". Unfocused and swirley, day one was the day I woke up to an empty apt (my choice) made the decisions at the mortuary, filtered the business of the transition and the changing of the guards in terms of helpers.

Then here we are, the next day, my girls, loving me up. Today was more grounded supported. Started my day with meditation and asked for what I needed. More well-paced, intimate, supportive, and very very very fun at times and sacred cackly women time ... My Silverton girls Becky & Karen, my Ashland girls Lex and Kelly (Kyle's sis), me and my ma all started on the sleigh bed talking and sharing smoothies, then we toned Om Guru Om (georgeous), then each spoke outloud to Davids spirit, tears streaming, then a cuddle puddle followed by planning the moving of objects and how to be of help, followed by Indian buffet across the street and more unfolding, describing how I let David go, the way time passed after he left. Soo I won't forget the vaporous imprint from my archive, I later asked for recording of what they rememberd me describing (below)... We set an intention marking that today begins the birth of my next chapter, a door to be walked thru mindfully and so I asked for what I need, was heard, and was responded to.

By Kelly Tisdel

I walked through the door of the condo in Durango and was greeted by a smiling, tender Ananda. She’s as you’d imagine - strong, grounded, available heart, purified, with eyes that tell of a beautiful intense journey up a sacred circuitous mountain trail of transition and back down the other side. I reflected to her what I saw in her eyes, “You have so much strength.” Tears came. “Do you feel him?” In certain moments… and she went on to explain as I was led upstairs to a sunlit bedroom with bouquets of flowers and pictures of Amma, Dolores, Ed, Ramana Maharshi, and David with a candle burning next to it. We sat on the bed and were joined by Becky (Friend from Silverton who has helped Ananda and David for the last couple years in so many ways and with nursing care), Lexi (Friend helping with so many details and self care for Ananda, from Ashland), Cheryl (Ananda’s mother), and Karen (Friend from Silverton who has been part of the support and care here).

Ananda shared about how she held space for David’s transition from his body in the doctor’s office and actually how perfect that was. One of David’s favorite doctors was there to hold the space as well, reassuring Ananda just by his presence that everything was fine, allowing her to be fully with David without wondering if there was anything else she had to do. She felt that David wanted that for her.
Hearing Ananda describe his passing, I was overwhelmed with the impression of how innate it is knowing how to serve during those moments of transition, birth and death. She was there with hands on him, whispering that he could stay, that move out of body as well… Over and over "you are loved".

He went through layers of transition out of his body. At one point Ananda stepped back, hands out emitting love and energy and also deliberately unwinding the umbilical cord between them. If indeed this was his moment to move from his body, he wouldn’t be torn with the decision to stay with her or go - he could make his decision clearly.

After a few moments, she moved in towards him again saying over and over, “You are loved… you so are loved…” and also reminding him of various saints, Amma, John of God, and people he loves and those on the “other side” to move towards… that he is held.

It was clear he was transitioning.

His breath was far apart, and eventually that rising and falling of the tidal breath in his body stopped.

Ananda is a midwife of life in and out of body, that is clear. Three hours were spent with his body as time expanded into chanting mantras, washing, tending, loving, blessing, saying goodbye.

She felt a clear distiction from David’s spirit and his body at the mortuary. She describes looking at his body, strewn with the flowers and song that she, Pamela, and Cara covered him with, and actually feeling him very clear right beside her. He was not in his body any longer. Kyle and Devin showed up and were given time with his body as well. When she returned, she saw their constellation: Devin at David’s head, Kyle at his feet, in deep love and silent space.

As we women sat on the bed in the condo we settled into more comfortable space and chanted. The presence and was precious and potent. We began speaking to David – each in our turn. Tears flowed with the overwhelming feeling of gratitude to a man who reflected and gave so much to the world and the people in it. We ended with a large chain of spooning each other in tenderness and chanting again… the vibration echoing through all of us.

Overall, the grief that is present exists with a firm ground underneath it. Ananda is not crumbling, she allows the feelings to rise and swell and subside. She is present with what is unfolding.

We fall into a deep ocean of existence, and wave with the currents that come to rock us into pure places within ourselves.

Thank you David.

From Ananda (written Wednesday July 22nd)

Our dear David was released from his body yesterday afternoon. My heart is filled with the expected fullness of loss, relief, overwhelm, exhaustion, pain, sadness... But you should know there have been so many layers to his release from the body, the fates were favorable to us in some ways by giving us time for him to peel the layers of consciousness and give David time to travel thru the myriad of vasanas, the unfinished purification of his being. He got to experience the range of human experiences at lightning speed these last months... need, fear, anxiety, frustration, the illusion of certainty, youth, age, innocence, impatience, disappointment. He sat in the fire, and shared a light from it, vast enough to reach all directions and touch each of our lives

Today, Im writing with the aid of some support for this update. It is clear from replies to my last email, that people enjoy hearing from other voices with mine, as in when Becky Joyce shared and before that Lexi Delgado and Linda Weber, when updating was harder for me to get to. Here, Dani Antman took the time to write an account for all of you following her visit of service with us the last week before David passed. She shares from such a tender place, understanding many of the complexities of David's dance. Her email to you is included below, as is a note from Julie Pigott, the soulful singer songwriter who recorded Heart of Longing with David and more recently Ocean of Mercy in honor of David as teacher and self as teacher.

Also, last night, Pamela Kluth was able to wade thru the fog of our very emotional evening to create the following description of David's passing relating to it's correspondence to the solar eclipse. She and Cara Cruickshank made the long pilgrimage by car from the Seattle area to Durango to help out and offer respite for me in caretaking responsibilities. Their journey was quite blessed, very led and purifiying even before they got here. The timing of them being here while David would be passing is something they both say they will be processing for some time to come, potent. I had three sweet, difficult hours blessing and cleansing David's body alone in the doctor's office exam room where he left his body, talking, praying, singing, caring, saying goodbye. Then Pamela, Cara, Kyle, Devin and I had several hours at the Durango mortuary where we continued the annointings, chanting, and honoring I feel fortunate was spacious and so respected by the staff.

Another included email is a letter I wrote this morning to the oncologist David first started working with in Boulder in April. It offers a perspective from a details point of view thru the wider lense. It may be helpful as you piece together your experience hearing the news, and the loss to us all right now

Another is from Cynthia Yoder notifying the Princeton community. Its lovely and it includes the last email David sent out, just yesterday.. with some intonations of the surrender and expanded artistry happening for him

In terms of a memorial, David asked for a party in his honor, in the indigenous tradition of coming together forty days after the release. He understood this time frame to be important in many traditions. In both the New and Old Testament, it was a recorded spiritual practice to fast and pray for 40 days. According to the native Indonesian and Muslim beliefs, the soul of a dead person stays on the earth for 40 days after the death. And according to halakha (Jewish law) abortion is prohibited once 40 days have passed since conception.

David's 40 day gathering will be held August 30th. Save the weekend of August 28 - 30th if possible... landing Friday, spending two nights, departing Sunday. It was his wish for us to come together in Yosemite and he requested at least ten minutes of meditation during the service with a circle for personal sharing from anyone who is called. No details have been set for this, at this point what we have is a date and a place. The rest will be announced as details come into focus. This is open to people who are called to be present. In other words, feel free to forward these dates to others who knew David.

His body will be cremated in 24-36 hours from now, ( I write this 11:40 pm MST). It was also his wish to have his ashes brought to Alaska and added to the lifescape at Wolf Track Bay. More as that comes into focus too.

Finally, please see the blogspot site below and upload your dreams if David comes to you, synchronicities and oddities, experiences of letting David go and appreciating his contributions. This is specifically for the things you think of replying to my update emails... I love them, remember I read everything and delight... only problem is no one else gets to read them but me, and there are so many crossovers, "coincidences" and treasures, too many for one girl to keep to her self...

I will offer more personal reflection when the time is right and promise some pictures of David soon.
Know that I feel the distinct presence of David now separate from the distinct being that was his body. They are separate presences now, shown to me so clearly last night as I sat at his side. His body is a shell, a beautiful shell...

I hope you'll read on...

Lovingly, Ananda

Eclipse in David's Honor By Pamela Kluth July 22, 2009

David LaChapelle was released from his material vessel at 1:39 pm Tuesday, July 20th 2009. He followed his mother’s passing in the same hospital of her release by 2 years and 6 months, both on the 21st.

It was also the first day that both his Earth doctors and Spirit doctors worked together for his care. This included the John of God Center in Brazil who did a remote spiritual Surgery along with 3 planned visits with physicians. His quick passing was with Ananda at his side and overseen by a favorite doctor of David’s of which he had a special heart connection.

David’s passing was synchronistic with the longest solar eclipse of the 21st century. This is an annular eclipse;. An astrological interpretation of the symbolism of this is that neither the spiritual/masculine/active/yang energy of the Sun nor the soul/feminine/receptive/yin energy of the Moon dominates. Rather, the shadow of the lunar energy - the Soul, even at its darkest moment, could be described as encircled and protected by Spirit. The joining of these two forces provides focus and promises a rebirth of spirit after a dark night of the soul.

The heightened impact of eclipse energy can be felt by everyone as much as 3 months in advance and has subtle reverberations for as long as 3 years afterwards. Although the energies are most prominent for a week on either side of the eclipse (many feel a heightened sense of anxiety during this period), the influence on events continues. Eclipse periods are extremely active, often associated with meaningful events and public exposure-

*Astrology descriptions were found: http://zodiacarts.com/whatsup/SolarEclipse.shtml

Pamela Kluth
Seattle Area sangha

June 22, 2009

Last night, Ananda asked me to sing to David, to help ease his passing over; to help ease my attachment and letting go of David. I lit candles on my altar and sang as best I could amongst the sobs.

Here is a chant I wrote for David when Ben & I visited him in Boulder 2 months ago. I wrote it to help ease his pain, to support living and dying and finding peace. I wrote it and sang it to him after a particularly heavy handed teaching from David, on the nature of "helping"! After this teaching and my humble soul searching, he opened up and allowed me to sing this to him. This song helped rock him to sleep in the midst of unbearable pain several times, while angels were massaging his feet and helping to release his pain. I sensed then that this was my goodbye, though he spoke to me of future songs we would record together.

Oh Holy Mother, Mother Divine
Heal these tired wings, fill them with Your light
Your golden light, golden light, wrapped in golden light
Golden light, golden light, wrapped in golden light

Love,
Julie Pigott
Seattle Area sangha

By Dani July 21, 2009

I am awake after a deep deep sleep. I still don't feel David "awake" on the other side. I feel him gently in my heart and in the ethers. I think that there's a period of restoration on the other side, a kind of etheric hospital, and once his energy body is restored there will be more visceral contact.

I decided to visit Durango, based on a very strong intuition that he would leave. I was terrified that he would die when Ananda was not home, and am simply grateful that he waited till she was with him....so that closure would be complete. I so wanted to help him surrender, but in his presence his will to live was still so strong, that I simply said "You know you could stop fighting if you want to" ......he barely acknowledged my saying that, and I let it be. I kept calling on the great mother and there would be flashes of gold light and joy and I knew he would be welcomed out of the body soon. It was a gift to massage his feet for 4 days and watch him draw. I still feel his warm feet under my hands, which is strange. Body here, body not here....in such a short time. Becky what a gift for you to know Dolores and David so intimately.

I have never seen such suffering in a body....and am happy he is in some better place now. My grief comes up selfishly, for I am realizing there is no hope to ever have a David group again or a David conversation.......I will miss that so much.....

I am hoping we will all have a chance to gather and honor him. Ananda I would like to help with that process, and possibly coordinate it for you (Interfaith minister that I am).

love and blessings to you as you all mourn in your own ways,

Dani

Dear Dr Sitarik,

This is Ananda Foley writing from David's phone where I found your address. Wanted to let you know he passed away yesterday.

I had him home from a three-week hospital stay these last 6 days, where we'd started homecare still looking toward possible radiation. He responded so well to the Abraxane and Erbitux, the tumor was almost completely gone. It was remarkable how quickly and how well it worked. He was reluctant to do radiation, though his oncologist Dr Susan Smith encouraged it, mostly so that his "last months" would not be experienced in the most anxiety-producing way there is to die, asphixiation.

His three-week hospital stay had been initiated with extremely high fevers due to staph infection of his blood. He responded to antibiotics well and cultures were again negative but had consequentially formed infection pockets on the mitral valve and visual cortex among other unknown places. We were giving him mega antibiotics at home and he would be on a long run of them as it was, had (you guessed it) pnemonia not taken hold in the hospital, adding to the list. These factors put radiation plans on hold but not off the table.

He continued to suffer greatly with phlem, coughing, pain in the throat, pain from the GTube, anxiety and fear of dying for such a long time but had agreed this last week to small amounts of oxygodone which helped his body rest some. For this reason I am of course greatly relieved

Yesterday I took him back to the medical plaza where he met with Dr Salka, an infection specialist brought on to his care during the hospital stay. He was also to have a visit the same day with the oncologist as well as a Physician Assistant well experienced in pain management and hospice. David loved Dr Salka's manner & kindness and would often comment on the quality of his heart, so it makes sense now, that he would "choose" to die during his visit, on an exam table ... "safe", within a medical container but with me and an authority with heart he respected

I know your care was important to him and I thank you for playing an important role in this journey. Coming to Boulder and turning towards oncology, though "late" late by all medical standards, was just the timing his process called for. You were gracious and respectful of his process with him. For that I thank you.

In heart, Ananda

From Oncologist Mark Sitarik
Dear Ananda,

Thanks for letting me know what happened with David. I was just thinking about him last week, wondering how things were going. Courtney did let me know about the infections he had to deal with. I'm glad to hear that the Abraxane and Erbitux were of benefit, and that David had at least a little more time to complete his process. It was a privilege to have known him, albeit briefly. I hope he has found his peace in the next realm - whatever form that may take.

No small amount of credit goes to you. He was lucky to have found you to be with him to act as his rock and his guide. I suspect that he did the same for you, but in a different and complimentary way. I have the utmost respect for your caring nature and support for David through what must have been multiple difficult times. You acted as a true friend and partner for David. That is actually a fairly rare thing. Believe me, I've seen enough relationships under stress to know. For what it's worth, if you ever need a character reference, I would be happy to provide one.

If you do ever make it back to Boulder, please stop in to say Hi. You will be welcome anytime.

Take care,

Mark

Thoughts From Linda Weber

Dear Ones,

As I sit and read the heart-filled words of our dear people, I cannot help but be struck by the depth of the pain I am feeling and the hugeness of the loss. I want to scream and cry, oh God, why couldn't you let him heal???!!! Why???!!! Why did he have to go so soon? so young? I am sobbing. And I need to give way to this, to allow this full body and heart collapse, because it is true and real, because I loved him so, because there is no other David, because the gap in my heart, the missing David, hurts so much. Sure, I will be strong and true to what is correct in this horribly unexpected scenario... both his parents dying at basically the same time, the appearance of the cancer and its serious course through his vulnerable body, the channeling of physical pain that would be impossible for any normal mortal, and now the passing, the leaving our world of earth, sky, shining sun, flowing water, moon, and more. I know I will go on, that I will carry his message of unbounded love and pristine self-knowing, of respect and humor. Of course I will... we all will. But for now it is the crying that matters, the feeling of it all, the explosion of grief that also seems to know no bounds.

Thank you for listening. I hope I have not made your mourning more painful for that is not my intention. I hold you all, our giant expansive community of love, in my heart. I think of you every day and love you very much. Thank you for all that you are and do in and for the world. I hope to see you whenever that is possible... maybe in Silverton at the end of August, yes?

As I sit in my grief, I am preparing to guide a vision quest trip that will take off for the Colorado wilderness tomorrow morning. We will return Sat. Aug. 1. I know this work because of David. I will do it in his honor. I am deeply grateful for all that has been given.

wishing you peace in your heart and much love...

Linda

Thoughts from Deborah Mokma

Ananda, my thoughts and prayers have been with you throughout this
amazing journey. I am honored to know you. Your holding of the space for
David to navigate all that he did was done with a grace and love that
one can only dream of experiencing when the time comes for
transitioning. Namasté!

I am working on the Aug/Sept issue and this line from Salina Rain's
"Cosmic Calendar" is one that seems to really apply to David's timing:

" ... This year Lammas falls amidst the triple-powered eclipse season,
with three in a row this Summer, promising increased pressure to release
old forms, more radical changes in our lives."

Sending you much love, and many, many hugs,

Deborah

From Dani July 20,2009

Dani getting green-drink into Ananda

Hi dear friends
Ananda has asked me to write a brief update on my 4 days with them in Durango.
I arrived on Thursday July 16th, the same day that David was released from the hospital and was brought to the apartment they have rented. The first day back was difficult for him, he wasn't talking much and seemed to be very far away. He was in pain, and dealing with alot of mucous coming out of the lungs or the tumor itself. His feet are swollen with edema, and painful, so foot rubs are the best way to be of service. At times the pain levels really increase and it is just horrible to witness his suffering and not be able to alleviate it. There were a few small crises that made me aware of how much goes into his caretaking on a daily basis.

By the fourth day I could see the David we all know and love behind his eyes again...and even his sense of humor came out, when he said: "Well Dani,welcome to my pajama party." He even started drawing again, with watercolor markers that Ananda bought for him.

I was quickly trained by Ananda in all the myriad tasks that are required in one 24 hour period to manage David's health care. Smoothies, foot rubs, mustard packs, antibiotics, IV's,oxygen, mucous remover, wash cloths, sterilizing procedures, fresh juices...and so on.
I now have the deepest empathy for what Ananda has been holding all on her own at various times. Even when people come to help, she has to put the effort out to orient them before they can be useful. To this end, I have volunteered to brief people before they plan to come, to make her job a little bit easier.

Ron, Devin's father joined us, so that Ananda was able to get back to Silverton for two nights, and just relax and reconnect with Ibn, their cat. She brought Ibn back to the apartment with her, and when I left he was happily exploring new nooks and crannys in his new territory. Ron and I made a good caretaking team while Ananda was in Silverton, nevertheless, there were things that came up that neither of us had expected to handle and it was a bit anxiety producing for both of us. As far as the next protocol for David, he is still on many antibiotics, and they have not yet made a decision about radiation therapy. His temperature is mostly close to normal, but he still has alot of pain, and the tumor is growing again and starting to obstruct his throat. They are still considering a trip to Brasil to see John of God. I feel happy to have seen David and be able to offer help. It just hard to hold the very human pain and suffering he is going through, and simultaneously see the brilliance of his soul and the light that comes through him.....and know that all is in divine order. I still pray for the miracle that will allow him to recover. His will to heal and cope with all that his body is going through and his inner strength are quite amazing.
That's all for now, love Dani Antman (Bay Area, Princeton Sanghas)

From Becky:

Hi Dani,

Just wanted to thank you for all your love and care while you were here last week~it was immensely wonderful timing, and I know invaluable time with him. As I read your update from your visit, I smiled with recognition of all the true words you put on paper....and I valued the recognition you gave Ananda for her endless dedication.

I feel so blessed to have had the several months with him at his bedside that I did. It was the most difficult nursing I've ever done, but never have I experienced such personal and professional growth. He came into my life after I had nursed his mother for several months also. My sadness of her death was immense, and he was able to fill the void Dolores had left behind, and continue the growth she had started. I am a new person since I had met her, and an even better person since I met him 2 1/2 short but incredibly significant years ago.

He will always have a special place in my heart, and my family's as he assisted, observed and celebrated my son's arrival into this world a little over a year ago.

Of course I have some regret of not being more present the last of his life (while you were here), but I know the Universe makes no mistakes, and I realized I was already letting go. I don't understand but I actually do. I felt I was able to say goodbye a while ago...so again, I thank you for stepping in. .

Thank you again for your beautiful spirit, I know this will be with you the rest of your days....

With love,

Becky

Thoughts from Rory Finney

Bless You Ananda.

When Jewel left her body, David advised me to be open to the gifts that are being passed on particularly in this time of transition.
Bless you dusk and dawn
I am leaving for Mt Rainier now as the western hills receive the morning light.
I am carrying prayers for a many people to the mother mountain.
Thank You for your beloved service-
Yosemite will be most perfect.
Art is a wonderful way to remain open and process with a higher bandwidth.
I highly encourage you to create mandalas dawn and dusk for the next 40 days.
I invite our entire sangha to create art for the next 40 days- vessels of love

Gentle Breathing,

love,
Rory


here are some emails from david about Jewel's passing:

Rory, Jewel is moving deeper inwards

listen in meditation and follow her journey

she has already released a couple of her koshas

the outcome on the physical level is almost immaterial to her at this time

it is of course, deeply of interest to us

silence is very helpful now

deep silence

mouna (in sanskrit)

Ramana describes a silence so deep that it filled with the most intense of activities.

dawn and dusk are particularly important

love,

David

Rory,

for you this is so large.

jewel's passing has been such a gift for your inner development

if you can I would do a several day retreat to be with the teaching of this moment

and to receive consciously the gifts that Jewel is bestowing on you from her

new condition.

if not a full retreat, stay particulalry open to the inner planes during this time and

feel what Jewel is giving.

thanks for bringing me into the circle of her being.

my love to you and ryan and all that she has touched.

the peace of deep silence occurs when the body ceases to be the object of attention.

much love,

David

Thoughts from Karen Hoskin

David, Ananda and my family have been neighbors sharing the glory of Silverton.

My refrain to David from the first day we met, as he invited me on retreats and long walks, was that I am just not teachable in this lifetime. I am not interested in self work. I was closed to him. This lifetime for me, I said, is about giving to others, taking as little for myself as possible, returning the love I receive in greater measure, practicing generosity. Embracing his teachings seemed self centered to me, too much about me.

David was infinitely compassionate. He gave me space, maybe even reveled in not being teacher for a moment. We found a common and shared place in service and storytelling. My children became his friends. We shared meals, music and tea, leisurely breakfasts that he could not fully enjoy in the sunroom that I still thought of as Dolores'. I cringed to watch him eat with so much pain. He played his guitar and told stories. I realize now that I never knew him cancer free or 'well'.

I called down the street to him one morning to ask him to step onto his front porch and look up at Kendall Mountain. There, the rising sun was lighting the peak from the back and creating a breathtaking penumbra around the summit. When I saw it, the first person I thought of was David. "It makes me believe in God", I said. David captured the moment and returned it to me in spectacular form inside a frame. Scratched below the vivid image were the words "It makes me believe in God".

He created for me another piece last winter, in the depths of his own pain in Ashland. This time it was a visual altar to a preschool I had helped conceive and birth. The altar held images of my origins in Maine, my deep love of temple India, my obsession with service, softness and light and color.

All this generosity came to me when he needed to hunker in, preserve his strength. I was stunned. He was modeling, in perfect form, the life I was striving to live.

When do you suddenly realize that someone has reached inside your heart? When do you cross the threshold from acquaintance to loved one? I remember the moment exactly. It came as a rush of gratitude, an inflow of feeling blessed...chosen, lighted from within.

I was never good at sitting at his bedside, massaging his feet, tossing away his tissues. I was plagued by selfish wishes, that he would stay whole for my sake, so that we could venture out as an unstoppable team with Ananda. The service we could have undertaken! The lives affected!

At nearly the exact moment that David died, Silverton experienced the most wildly-dramatic, ear-splitting crack of sumultaneous thunder and lightning I have ever experienced. There was no warning, no distant rumbling to prepare us. It took out technology all over town. I believe this was his strong message to us...stop your didactic chatter, take note of Mother Nature, be humbled, remember that you are alive, feel blessed, turn your face up to the rain, let the earth feed you, forgive.

That evening, I asked for a goddess (from among 44 goddesses that I occasionally consult for stamina) to guide David on his journey. Kuan Yin emerged. In the image I hold of her in my mind's eye, she was lighted much like Kendall Mountain in David's photograph. Ananda had asked me to hold David in the light for his journey but in my ignorance, I had no idea how to do such a thing, so I turned the task over to Kuan Yin. I imagined her stripping David of his pain, nourishing him with delicious foods, taking him to the light, laughing with him. He was strong and fierce, his color had come back in, and he had a handful of colored pencils.

Karen Hoskin

From Jen Brill at Silverton Mountain

I will remember skiing powder with David on the mountain. Obviously, he skied like a LaChapelle with grace and fluidity (on some super skinny skis). Although I had heard about the early days of Alta a thousand times from Dolores, sharing those memories from David's perspective was completely unique. Feel lucky that I got to know him, even though it was for a short time.
Thought and prayers...

Jen Ader Brill

David's Last Email (sent July 21st, 2009)

From: David

To: email community

Date: July 21,2009

Greetings,

it has been nearly a month since you have heard from me....

in the interim I have journeyed to the edge of life and death and back. I came down with a staph infection that sent my temp soaring and took away two days of memory. I woke to a slowly returning body...

some of the staph settled in my visual cortex... rendering a 24 light show and making fine detail work nearly impossible. I am not sure if this is a permanent condition... but the resulting image is a function of the new level of focus in my visual field...

clearly a new chapter in my life...

I am wiped clean by this last journey.
I am in considerable pain as my throat is sorely taxed.

and I await whatever new instructions there are for me.

many blessing to you all and may you treasure each moment of each day, for they can change dramatically, when you least expect it....

Ananada bought me some colored markers... my new instruments for this time... much grosser detail... but at least i can draw again with some effect.

love,
David

Very First Post to this Blog

Good morning all. David passed away yesterday afternoon, July 21, 2009 at 1:39pm. It came more quickly than anyone expected, especially on the heels of a beautiful parting email and drawing he sent to loved ones just yesterday morning. The details of his passing and the celebrations to come of his life and teachings will emerge on this website, as we know so many want to know. But for now, Ananda is needing time to be present in the moment with those in her company and to avoid letting this sacred time be consumed by technicalities and technology. Thank you so much for your patience. The task of notifying everyone who cared for David with sensitivity and attentiveness is a daunting one indeed, too large for one person.

The Seattle, Washington friends are still here. Lexi from Ashland, OR will arrive tomorrow. Kyle, Devin, Becky will be with Ananda today. Ananda's Mom is enroute. She has Ibn with her too, which is a blessing. Her immediate needs for help and support are covered for the moment. She will need all of us for the long journey of grief, celebration and stitching life back together.

Ananda will use this website to stay in touch, post information as she is able, and read your messages, even if she cannot respond to your calls or call you directly as she might wish. Again thank you for your patience.

Hold David in the light.

Karen H.

Tired by going strong

May 8, 2009 Newly landed in Silverton from Boulder, the road weary David-caretaking-healing crew, Steve, Melanie & Bruce Savar "Brobes" Blake @ Steam & Steel Cafe

Retreat Photo: August 2008