Tears from a deep place, thoughts...

How to be with all these things in one body, in one heart... joy for your release, grief for my loss, fist-shaking at God, gratitude for your life....

How to let go, I got to love you like crazy only to have your life veer away from mine

What to do with the questions I have for the day I can sit face to face with God

The songs we sung, your voice

The field created in your presence, unique, un-reproducable.... life blood for so many of us

Your heart still holding mine but the distance makes that easy to forget

The finality, no going back, to the day the infection set in.... reverse the events that started cancer growth in the first place

So many things I cant touch, let alone change about the trajectory, or your life circumstances that set the conditions.

The loss of our friendship, always you felt like family, my best friend

Im fine so much of the time, and in the taxes and legal paperwork I loose sight of the person you are. Your name becomes associated with the mountain of work I wonder if I'll ever summit...

But you are the BE- ing, the life I no longer get to share... That is painfully clear some times more than others, today especially... I've just come from crying deep and hard for the fullness of the loss

When will you just walk through the door, when will we pick up conversations begun, never revisited?

Where does your soul live now that you are free from the body?

How do i know you still love me? or hold me?

No going back, unbearable...

I love you

Ananda
Oct 28, 2009