High Elevation, Low Temperatures

When the hospital chaplain walked me out to my car, he carried the bag with David's clothes. Knowing I'd driven my loved one into the doctor's office four hours earlier on that surreal day, he gazed at the dark sky spilling rain and said I was joined by God in my tears. That moment, on cue, the rain intensified and dumped on us so fast we hugged goodbye and I scurried to open my car door to stay (relatively) dry. A moment earlier he'd asked what I was going to do now...? and I'd responded I would be sitting in my car alone, transitioning...

Woosh, that's where I now was... damp, sitting, transitioning... alone

The phone rings and caller ID says it's my mom. I start to put the phone back down... not now mom, its kind of a bad time... WAIT... she is calling at this very moment. I answered and shared the hard news. That afternoon, she packed and drove 8 hours to get to me, and has been within reach, sharing the mountain of duties, ever since. Today was the day, after the fullness and maturing of a full moon just passed, after attempting to leave earlier but being turned back by early snowy windy road conditions, the timing was all lined up for today.

She drove off this morning and I have been palpably aware of the new sensation, one that would have been a grand leap two months ago... I am .... w,with... out him now.

There were people around when he was sick, people coming/ going before that (thank goodness), people around during the loss time, and for all phases of my grieving chapters...

Today was the first day it was just me feeling aware how much my mother's help softened the blow, allowed segments of loss to be delivered in layers....

My dear neighbors the Joyce's, who have been key support during the last years, found their life's movement packing them and transplanting them to Durango this week for work. They're gone. Quinn and Tucker too. Close still? yes ... Dramatically different all of sudden? Very yes.

Aspen leaves, gold and radiant throughout town just last week, stripped down overnight leaving the reminder that it is chill season now... The peaks are coated white. It's stunning, it's fantastical... and it's yet another taste of loss.

It's okay
I'm clear the experiences immediately ahead are about finding fullness in the emptiness. There's no other way to understand this.

I will open my door to Quiet, serve tea to Reflection. Studio Experimentation time, I have longed would ask for my dance card, is close, waiting.... Waiting for '08 tax papers to get sorted and sent away, for legal probate stuff to get resolved, winter's wood to be cut and stacked, and waiting for the book completion.... among other things

Then...

Then... a little precious hibernation - mixed with the sweetness of small-town holiday get-togethers, stillness of snow... and a little catching up on my thank-you-note plate of spaghetti.

Photos taken Sept 30
Wood and fall's show just days ago, before they were winter's trees, bare and explicative of coming cold




Mom's hard work: new linseed coating for house exterior and new "periwinkle" door color... love it with the gold aspen.... (thank you thank you)



First snow on peaks